not knowing

i don’t know
why that baby died
why he ignored my no
or what propels the worship of war

i don’t know
if eagles cry
how to trust your kindness
or why he hides her ashes in a drawer

i don’t know
what keeps us breathing
or what makes us stop

but when i give up
wanting to know

i arrive
here

my grasping
dissolves

into the black
ocean

sunlight
in my hair

as my feet settle
into the moist transient sand

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